The art of Not Needing
Have you ever experienced that moment? The simple joy of existing, without needing anything or anyone? When everything just works, in perfect harmony, exactly as it should?
I did today. I was biking by the river, the heat of the sun on my skin cooled by a gentle breeze from the water, ruffled by a passing barge. I didn’t need to be anywhere. I had no idea where I was going. I was completely unaware of time.
How could this happen? For years, the feeling of needing, and not having, has haunted me. Not being enough (or always being ‘almost’), not quite belonging. Missing. Yearning. Wanting. That lingering feeling: sometimes buzzing in my chest like a trapped fly, sometimes a dull weight in my stomach.
Anxiety? No, too simple. Perfectionism? Ambition? Possible.
Yet today, that feeling was gone. I was content. Peaceful. Free of worry. And as the day went on, I couldn’t stop wondering - how? Why?
So, as the sun sets and my cat gets mad, I get the books out to figure it out.
Enjoy.
The Biology of Needing
At a neural level, needing is deeply wired into us. Our brains evolved to ensure our survival through an ongoing state of desire; whether for food, security, connection or achievement. Dopamine, often mischaracterised as the pleasure chemical, is in fact the motivation molecule. It’s released in anticipation of a reward, pushing us to act, to chase, to need.
But what happens when this system, meant to nudge us toward survival, becomes hijacked by modern life?
Social comparison, scarcity mindsets and a culture of constant self-optimisation activate the same circuitry designed for survival. In a 2021 study published in Nature Communications, researchers found that perceived social deprivation (feeling left out, overlooked or not enough) activates the same brain regions as physical hunger. To the brain, needing love or meaning can feel as urgent as needing food.
Hmm things start to make a bit more sense now. But there is more…
The Psychology of Absence
Needing, by definition, focuses on what is absent. It’s a psychological contract with the future; a belief that something out there will make the present bearable, meaningful or complete. Clinical psychologist Dr. Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, describes this as experiential avoidance: trying to escape the discomfort of the present moment by imagining a better one.
This creates a paradox. The more we seek to eliminate discomfort by filling a gap, the more that gap seems to expand. The more we need, the more distant satisfaction feels. The mind becomes a treadmill: always moving, never arriving.
I am starting to arrive to my a-ha moment by simply reversing the above statement: the more accepting we are with the discomforts of life (loneliness, sickness and other struggles) the less significant the gap! That seems awfully simplistic, what about the constant chase happening in our minds?
The Neuroscience of Stillness
Something magical happens when we stop needing!
Moments like biking by the river, untethered from time and desire, engage the brain’s default mode network (DMN); a network active when we are at rest and not focused on the external world. Contrary to earlier beliefs that this mode was passive or unproductive, recent studies (Raichle, 2015) show that it’s central to self-awareness, memory consolidation and emotional integration.
In these moments, the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for planning, analysing and ruminating - quiets. In its place, we experience a coherent sense of presence. Not a void, but a full and expansive now.
Some researchers even call this state hypofrontality: a temporary downshifting of the brain’s executive control to allow for flow, creativity and deep peace. It’s often achieved during meditation, long walks, rhythmic motion or even creative absorption.
Letting Go of the Inner Fly
That buzzing sensation in my chest? The dull ache in my stomach? Turns out hose aren’t just poetic metaphors - they’re neuro-chemical signals. The vagus nerve, which connects brain to body, plays a central role in our emotional landscape. When we feel disconnected or in need, vagal tone decreases, triggering physiological signs of stress. When we feel safe, still, enough - vagal tone rises, calming heart rate, reducing inflammation and restoring our sense of balance.
In short, the art of not needing is not just spiritual or aesthetic. It’s biological. It’s psychological. It’s a deep nervous system recalibration!
Practising the Art
But how do we get there? Especially when life keeps reminding us of what we lack?
Cultivate sensory presence: Pay attention to the moment. Not as a distraction, but as an anchor. Feel the breeze, taste your food, hear the birdcall. Sensory focus pulls us out of the story of needing.
Unhook from narratives: Notice the “if only…” thoughts. If only I had more time, more success, more love. Acknowledge them, then return to now. Your worth is not conditional.
Move rhythmically: Biking, walking, swimming, even dancing - these repetitive, rhythmic actions soothe the nervous system and often trigger moments of no-need.
Practise radical contentment: This doesn’t mean pretending everything’s perfect. It means embracing what is. Not with resignation, but with curiosity.
The Paradox of Having Everything
In the end, the art of not needing isn’t about detachment from life, it’s about sinking more deeply into it. Paradoxically, when we stop needing, we find we already have everything.
Not in the material sense, but in the visceral, cellular truth that we are. That we breathe, feel, sense. That right now, in this moment, nothing is missing.
And sometimes, that’s more than enough.
