The fear of abandonment: why childhood absence shapes the longing to Be Chosen
Many of us carry invisible wounds from childhood into our adult lives. One of the most profound is the fear of abandonment, often rooted in experiences of absent, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable parents. This fear does not simply remain in childhood, it quietly seeps into our adult relationships, shaping how we love, attach, and even how we see ourselves.
Understanding where this pattern comes from, why it persists and how to heal it is essential for anyone who has ever felt a deep, aching need to be chosen by others.
The Roots: Childhood and Attachment
Psychology has long emphasised the importance of early attachment. According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, children develop their first internal “blueprints” for love and safety through their relationships with caregivers.
Secure attachment - forms when a parent is reliably present and emotionally responsive.
Insecure attachment - whether avoidant, anxious or disorganised, often stems from absence, inconsistency, neglect or emotional unavailability.
When a parent is physically absent (due to divorce, work, illness or abandonment) or emotionally absent (distant, self-absorbed, preoccupied), the child’s brain learns a dangerous lesson: love is uncertain, and I must fight to be worthy of it.
The child develops hyper-vigilance to rejection and an unconscious drive to seek reassurance, approval and validation from others. This becomes the seed of the adult pattern: the longing to be chosen.
The Neuroscience: How the Brain Learns Abandonment
From a neuroscience perspective, the effects of abandonment in childhood are profound:
Amygdala hyperactivation: The amygdala, the brain’s fear centre, becomes overactive when relationships feel unstable. Even small signs of withdrawal from a partner can trigger intense anxiety.
Oxytocin dysregulation: Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” is released less efficiently in individuals with insecure attachment. This makes trust and safety in relationships harder to establish.
Cortisol and stress response: Chronic childhood stress from emotional neglect can recalibrate the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal (HPA) axis. As a result, adults may feel disproportionate stress when facing potential rejection.
Neuroplasticity of belief systems: Repeated childhood experiences of being overlooked wire the brain to expect rejection. Over time, this creates a cognitive bias: *if I’m not chosen, it must mean I’m unworthy*.
In essence, the brain is trained to scan constantly for threats of abandonment, making relationships emotionally exhausting.
he Adult Symptoms: The Longing to Be Chosen
When the fear of abandonment carries into adulthood, it often manifests as:
Overinvestment in relationships: Pouring energy into others while neglecting one’s own needs, hoping to earn love.
People-pleasing: Saying yes to avoid rejection, even at personal cost.
Clinging or anxious attachment: Fear of a partner leaving, leading to overdependence or jealousy.
Fear of being “second best”: A powerful need to be chosen above all others—by partners, friends, or even colleagues.
Low self-worth: Equating being abandoned with being unworthy, leading to cycles of self-doubt.
Sabotaging relationships: Sometimes, the fear is so overwhelming that a person pushes others away before they can leave.
These behaviours are not weakness; they are survival strategies formed in childhood.
The Healing: Rewriting the Blueprint
Healing from the fear of abandonment requires both self-awareness and retraining the brain.
Inner child work: recognise that the deep longing to be chosen belongs to the child within you. Through therapy, journalling, or guided meditations, offer that child compassion and reassurance they once lacked.
Therapy and attachment repair: approaches such as schema therapy, EMDR, or Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help reprocess old wounds. Building a secure relationship with a therapist allows the brain to experience safety and trust in real time.
Neuroplasticity practices: the brain can be rewired through consistent corrective experiences. Mindfulness, affirmations, and self-compassion exercises reduce amygdala reactivity and strengthen the prefrontal cortex’s calming influence.
Healthy relationships: choosing partners and friends who are consistent and emotionally available helps reprogramme attachment patterns. Over time, the nervous system learns that not everyone will leave.
Self-choosing: perhaps the most transformative step: learning to “choose yourself.” This means honouring your needs, boundaries, and values—without waiting for external validation.
Closing Reflection
The fear of abandonment is not simply about childhood memories; it is about how those memories sculpt the way the brain, body, and heart experience love. Wanting to be chosen is not a flaw—it is the echo of a child’s unmet need for security.
The healing journey lies in understanding that while we cannot rewrite the past, we can reshape the future. By tending to our inner wounds, cultivating healthier connections, and choosing ourselves first, we can transform the desperate need to be chosen into the grounded ability to **choose love—freely, securely, and without fear**.
