What not to confuse with Love
Love has always been a complex and layered human experience. Yet in today’s dating culture, where swipes, matches and instant gratification shape our choices, it has become increasingly easy to confuse fleeting emotions and chemical surges with something deeper. True love requires time, patience and understanding, but the world of options at your fingertips often strips people of the willingness to build genuine connection.
The Brain in Love: Why It Gets Tricky
Neuroscience shows that love activates the brain’s reward system, particularly areas rich in dopamine. This is the same circuitry involved in addiction. Early attraction creates a chemical cocktail: dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and that can feel intoxicating. According to research published in The Journal of Neurophysiology, these neuro-chemicals heighten focus and motivation, making us idealise the other person.
But this intensity does not necessarily equal long-term love. The brain is wired to reward novelty. Studies from Rutgers University suggest that dopamine levels spike when we encounter something new, including a new potential partner. In an era of endless swiping, people chase this novelty, mistaking the excitement for something profound.
What People Commonly Confuse with Love
1. Infatuation and Lust
Attraction and lust are often mislabelled as love. Lust is largely driven by testosterone and oestrogen, while infatuation is fuelled by dopamine surges that make everything about the person feel thrilling. Yet these feelings typically fade within months. A Harvard Medical School report notes that passionate love often transitions after 12–18 months into either companionate love… or dissolution.
2. Validation and Attention
Many confuse being chosen or desired with being loved. When someone texts frequently, compliments generously or showers us with attention, it activates the brain’s reward pathways. For those with unresolved attachment wounds, particularly fear of abandonment, attention can feel synonymous with love. In reality, it may simply be validation-seeking behaviour on both sides.
3. Convenience and Compatibility of Lifestyle
Sharing hobbies, schedules or convenience, such as living nearby or working together, can feel like love. But these are circumstantial alignments. Genuine love requires emotional attunement, empathy and patience in conflict, not just overlapping routines.
4. Intensity and Drama
Psychological studies on attachment styles show that those with insecure or anxious attachment may confuse heightened emotional drama with passion. The rollercoaster of highs and lows produces cortisol and adrenaline, creating a rush that mimics excitement. This is not love but a cycle of stress and reward.
5. Projection of Ideals
Often, we fall for who we want the person to be rather than who they are. Cognitive psychology describes this as the halo effect, where one positive trait, such as attractiveness, spills over into the perception of other traits. We then project our unmet needs onto the partner, calling it love.
The Cost of Too Many Options
Modern dating platforms promise abundance: tens of thousands of potential matches in one’s city. But research from Psychological Science shows that too many options can actually reduce satisfaction and commitment. This is called the paradox of choice. When alternatives are endless, people are less patient with imperfections and less motivated to invest in one relationship.
A 2023 survey by YouGov found that 49% of dating app users in the UK reported choice overload, leading to ghosting, shallow interactions and a struggle to form long-term bonds. Neuro-scientifically, this aligns with dopamine-driven novelty seeking: the brain craves the next hit of possibility instead of building tolerance and intimacy with one person.
Why Patience Matters for Real Love
True love activates not only the dopamine system but also oxytocin and vasopressin pathways, which strengthen bonds over time. Long-term studies from Stanford University show that couples who report the highest satisfaction are those who cultivate patience: they navigate misunderstandings, develop shared rituals and build trust.
Deep connection requires what psychologist John Gottman calls the turning towards response: the consistent choice to engage with your partner’s emotional needs rather than turning away or checking out. This cannot be replicated by instant matches or one-click swipes.
Final Thoughts
In today’s culture, it is easy to mistake lust, validation or excitement for love. Apps and abundance make us impatient, but neuroscience and psychology remind us that love is not an instant high, it is a slow burn. It demands curiosity, resilience and the willingness to stay when novelty wears off.
The challenge for modern daters is not to find more options, but to resist confusing fleeting emotions with genuine connection. Love is not at your fingertips; it’s built, patiently, heart to heart.
