The father factor: feeling guilty for setting boundaries
For many women, asserting themselves, whether by asking for what is owed, standing up in a workplace dispute or simply saying “no”, can be accompanied by a wave of guilt, self-doubt and insecurity. While cultural expectations and gender norms play a large role, psychology and neuroscience point to an often-overlooked factor: the quality of the relationship with the father.
Fathers, Attachment, and the Inner Voice
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby, shows that early relationships with caregivers form internal working models that shape how we perceive ourselves and others. While mothers have traditionally been studied as primary caregivers, the father’s role is equally crucial, particularly in shaping a daughter’s sense of autonomy, self-worth and safety in expressing her needs.
Research suggests that women with emotionally supportive fathers tend to develop greater confidence in asserting themselves, while those with distant, critical or inconsistent fathers may internalise a fear of rejection when they take up space. One study published in the Journal of Family Psychology (2021) found that daughters who reported low paternal warmth were significantly more likely to experience guilt and anxiety when asserting their needs in adulthood.
In other words, the father often becomes the template for how a woman negotiates respect, recognition and boundaries in later life.
The Neuroscience of Guilt and Boundaries
Neuroscience adds another layer to this picture. Feelings of guilt and insecurity activate brain regions such as the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and the insula: areas associated with error detection and social pain. If a woman grows up anticipating criticism or rejection from her father when she asserts herself, her nervous system learns to associate self-advocacy with potential conflict.
Over time, this becomes a kind of neural wiring: the amygdala (the brain’s threat detector) may fire when she asks for what is owed, triggering cortisol release and a stress response. Instead of empowerment, self-assertion feels like danger. Neuroscientist Louann Brizendine, in The Female Brain (2006), explains that repeated relational stress in childhood can leave women more sensitised to interpersonal rejection signals, making boundary-setting feel unsafe.
The European Context: Father Absence and Its Impact
The experience of father absence in childhood is far from rare. According to Eurostat data (2022), around 15% of children in the European Union live in single-parent households, with mothers heading the family in the vast majority of cases. In some countries, such as Latvia and Estonia, the figure rises above 20%.
Father absence has measurable psychological consequences. A UK longitudinal study (Millennium Cohort, 2017) found that girls who grew up without an involved father were 40% more likely to report low self-esteem in adolescence and early adulthood. Similarly, research published in the European Journal of Developmental Psychology (2018) showed that women raised in father-absent homes scored significantly higher on measures of guilt-proneness and conflict-avoidant behaviours.
These statistics suggest that women’s struggles with guilt and insecurity around boundaries are not individual quirks, but widespread outcomes of relational and societal patterns.
Gender, Culture and Internalised Scripts
Of course, this dynamic does not occur in isolation. Culturally, women are more likely to be socialised into people-pleasing roles. A YouGov survey (UK, 2019) found that 64% of women admitted to avoiding conflict at work compared with 46% of men. This aligns with findings from the Harvard Business Review (2020) showing that women are more likely to report guilt when negotiating salaries, linking directly to early conditioning around what it means to deserve something.
When the father figure reinforces silence, compliance or conditional approval, these cultural scripts gain a neurobiological anchor. The guilt women feel is not irrational, it is the embodied echo of early relationship patterns.
Breaking the Cycle
The good news is that the brain is plastic and learned patterns can be rewired. Approaches such as Compassionate Inquiry (developed by Gabor Maté), cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and somatic therapies help women recognise the origins of their guilt and practise new, self-affirming behaviours.
Neuroimaging studies show that practising assertive communication and boundary-setting, combined with positive reinforcement, strengthens prefrontal regulation over the amygdala. Over time, this reduces the threat response and makes self-advocacy feel safer.
A Note of Empowerment
Women’s guilt around boundaries is not a personal flaw, it is often the legacy of how she learned and experienced attachment, her neurobiology and cultural conditioning. Recognising the father’s role in shaping this response is a first step in shifting the narrative. With awareness, therapy, coaching and supportive relationships, women can learn to associate boundary-setting not with guilt and fear, but with dignity and freedom.
